Armageddon - 02 They Came & Ate us by Robert Rankin
Author:Robert Rankin [Rankin, Robert]
Format: epub, mobi
Publisher: Robert Rankin
Published: 2010-05-29T13:07:29.862000+00:00
'Open a what?' The voices came from all around the table, but most loudly from the woman primeminister of England.
'Open a vein, madam. The treaty must of course be signed in blood.'
There was a great deal of humming and hahing. It was liberally distributed about the table. It expressed grave doubt, a fair portion of outrage, a helping of horror, a smidgen of suspicion, a courgette of concern, a dumpling of dither.
Tuck you,' said Larry Minogue.
Wormwood held up his hands as outcry became the norm. 'Before you are surgical scalpels, sterile and sealed in plastique. You won't feel anything except a little prick.'
'I'm listening to one,' said Mr Minogue. Which just goes to prove that you can use the same gag twice in a book if you are prepared to scrape the barrel. 'Count me out, matey.'
'You all know me,' purred Wormwood. 'You know my policies. I am restoring this country. I have taken all matters personally in hand. You know my philosophy: if it can't be worked out on the wrapper of a Snickers bar, then it's too complicated. We all swear an oath of allegiance. Sign in our blood and together sort out all the problems of the world. Is this simple or is this simple?'
'I have a biro we all might share,' Kurosawa Koshibo spoke. 'In fact it is more than a biro. It is the Koshibo 2000 Ultrapen. It works on the principle of negative light transference, is solar powered and never runs out. I have samples here if you would all care to try. My company plans to . . .'
'We have them already,' sneered Wormwood. 'The Crawford Corporation markets a cheaper and more efficient version. I will lend you mine. But now it is blood I want. Your blood,' Wormwood opened his briefcase before him. The computer within flashed into action. Eleven images of his face appeared on the screen. They all looked eager. 'Will we do this the easy way or . . ,'
236
'Or what?' The English woman rose to her feet. 'We do not feel that the time is right to finalize this agreement at present. Perhaps next year when I shall be hosting
'No madam. There will be no next year when you will be doing anything.' Wormwood's finger hovered
above a button on the computer keyboard marked release. 'When you leave this room,' he continued, 'you will all be, how shall I put this, changed men. I am going to give each of you something to take back to your countries. Call it a knowledge. Call it an inspiration. Call it a way of being. Call it simply "a being".'
'You will not,' cried Finn MacCool, leaping from his chair. 'Pardon me?' Wormwood's finger crept a little closer to the button. 'You'll not release your unholy monsters upon us,' quoth Finn. 'What?' went Wormwood. Generalissimo Lucozade de Guano was now on his feet. 'There is a status quo to be maintained,'
said he. 'We cannot allow an autocracy nor a monotheism. That is not the way we maintain the balance of equipoise.
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Satire |
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